That's The Joke

Narrowing down The Heavy Duty's love for the Simpsons into one convenient YouTube-able clip is a hopeless endeavor. We're pumped for the new flick so we've spent all afternoon watchin' every goddamn clip we could find and laughing our asses off tryin' to pick the perfect moment that captured our love for the show. Unpossible, we say! So we went with this:

Heavy Duty With A Vengeance

Back when we envisioned this glorious internet destination, we committed to bringing all you fucks the best of whatever the fuck we do here. Heavy metal memories, non-sensical catchphrases, dick jokes, beer, and a heavy dose of denim 'n leather. Whatever.

Well, all yous hardcore Duty Disciples are probably wondering if we ran out of shit to say, since we haven't had a post in awhile. Well, to some degree, there's only so many ways you can write "Judas Priest kicks ass" or make "at the same time" references. Well thanks for the support asshole, we've got plenty to say, we just need a brief sabbatical to concentrate on other things, real life stuff for once. Enough the the soul searchin', back to the Duty!

We'd like to officially declare our intentions to reclaim our former glory as the greatest heavy metal blog of all time, and just rain fuckin' fire all over this fuckin' internet. Goddamn, we've missed doin' this. We are recharged, we are drunk, and we can't stop listening to Scandinavian Leather!

So if you're with us, grab a Peeber, crank up some Entombed, and leave some comments to show yer support. We can't do this with out ya...

A Shitload Of Bass In Yo Face

We Do!

We've been listening to Turbonegro nonstop for the past few weeks so we figured it's about time we hyped ya to their brand new single "Do You Dig Destruction?" It has everything we love about everything, like prancing out-of-shape guys and guitar melodies. But where are the hot wimmins? Someone should tell these guys that they could really expand their fanbase with a few non-man boobs here and there.

More Feral House Trifecta: Choosing Death

Lords of Chaos was a bullshit rambling take on Black Metal, but Albert Mudrian's Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore is anything but! We don't want our nascent "Books, Check 'Em Out" feature to get too review-y, but we're real excited to have this thing in our library so you'll just have to deal with that opening sentence. We're not sure if you all know this, but it turns out that all that scary Death Metal stuff that your mamas think is some kind of "virgin goat sacrifice music" was started by just a few meddling kids. Some fifteen year-old Euro-boys with bad mustaches, black Levi's, and foreign pen pals. Kids who wanted to play as fast as possible and grunt about that one scene from that Fulci movie. Napalm Death, Carcass, Entombed, all those bands that created Death Metal and Grindcore were nothing but cornball small-town kids...bad-ass cornball small-town kids no doubt, but kids all the same. And then John Peel dished out some love to these scruffy lookin' noisy punks, dubbed Memorexes made the Stockholm to Tampa back-and-forth, and headbanging history was made.

Aside from that there's a ton of other great stuff in here, stuff like how Morbid Angel brought the epic to the grunts and blastbeats, how them seminal bands sold out during the post-Pantera '90s with their rawkin'-not-grindin' guitars n' bellowing, and how darn near every band went through a million line-up changes on the road to mid-sized venue stardom. And then we especially loved that final chapter about how them insane new bands re-energized stagnant Death Metal tropes and how Slipknot is pretty damn extreme to be so rich and famous. Choosing Death not only gets the Duty approval for making us so much smarter but really for making this blog so much greater! Why, we never woulda thought to search for "Alf Death Metal" if we hadn't read this!

He's Single, Ladies!

So now that you've woken up from yer All-American fuckyeah hotdog 'n PBR induced coma, it's time to figure out what the fuck to do this weekend. And, more importantly, what to listen to while you find new ways to describe how awesome Dolph is to the non-believers. Well, once again the Heavy Duty comes through for you and tells ya what is and what should never be.

Ya see, today is the 28th birthday of long time Duty reader and Hispanic porn enthusiast Ryan Hancock (The Heavy Duty is not responsible for any seizures induced by clicking on that link.) Ryan's claim to fame is the ability to sing any song ever written just like Axl Rose would. Stone sober, no less. Hey, everyone has their calling, ours is seeing how many times we can write "fuck" in one post (fuck). So in honour of Mr. Cock his and his unrelenting passion for all things 1987, let's make GNR the band for yo weekend!

Lars Still Kinda Sucked Though

Metallica kicked off their "Sick Of The Studio Tour '07" in Lisbon, Portugal last Thursday, and did they break a doozy out for the faithful, rippin' through a full version of "...And Justice For All" for the first time since '89! And the boys sounded downright filthy! The guitars are supa-scooped and crunchy, James isn't auditionin' for a Ricola commercial, and Kirk toned down his outta control Michael J. Fox vibrato.

Should this be a sign for good things to come? Or just solid proof 'Tallica still brings it live and shellin' out 60 bucks to hear Justice live for its 20th Anniversary is worth it? Eh, The Heavy Duty will be there with Bells on no matter what.

Eh, Hell Is For Children Anyway

Heaven and Hell just posted their final U.S. tour dates and once again Heavy Duty got boned. We were psyched to check out the Dio/Iommi reunion especially with Queens "Poor Man's Dream Theatre" Ryche and Alice "Showtunes" Cooper opening, but the closest they be coming to the glorious Northwest is Reno, Nevada, where the last thing we wants to see is wrinkly mugs and wheedly-wheedlys. Mark our words, if that Nostradamus mega-tour don't come our way we're outta heeeere.